So, it is exactly 4 days until I'm in my late twenties. Jesus. Whenever you reach a 'milestone' age that you have set for yourself, you immediately begin to reflect on where you have been, what you have done, and where you thought you would be by now. At 27, where did I think I would be? If I cast my mind back to leaving high school, I probably thought by this age I'd be in a suit, working in Marketing, probably in New York. I didn't know what any of that would mean for me as a person, but I told myself that's what I wanted. Instead, when I turn 27 this Thursday, I will still be in retail. I am back living with my parents and paying off a substantial credit card debt. I will still be overweight, in a city I really do loathe, and I will have abandoned a good majority of my friends. Ah, hell, the entirety of my friends. I have an unfinished degree, no real assets to my name, and have only been in love once. Am I the person I thought I would be? Not in the slightest. Am I happy with who I've become? Somewhat. Periods in my life where I have truly fallen over and become stuck in one position have resulted from the difference between what I want, what I am, and what I think I want. There needs to be a pervasive, underlying drive to move towards what you want - but if you can't even work out what that is, what the hell are you supposed to do?
My best friend, Scott, leaves tomorrow to move back to the country. Scott is now 31 years old and the best person you could ever hope to know. People rarely seem to appreciate him for how truly brilliant he is, and I myself have fallen into that category on more than one occasion. I would say that Scott is in the same sort of position as me. He seems to think he wants to do one thing with his life, he tries it, then decides it isn't right for him, and moves on. I think, at our core, this is everyone, no? Maybe we are all floating and grabbing onto something close by, then letting go when we want to float again? The point is, Scott is moving back to the country to be close to his family. He is moving into his Grandmother's house with his new boyfriend and will spend a great deal of time fixing it up. That sounds truly ideal to me. I would be quite happy living that life. I don't think Scott has realized it yet, but I truly think he may have finally found what he's been looking for. This could be the final grab for a floater.
While I am very happy for him, it has prompted a great deal of sadness in me. I am still floating. Or stuck. I can't tell. I want to be heading towards something. Something that I decide is my 'ideal'. But I have no idea what that thing is yet, so I am still here. Scott's departure has unraveled a few things emotionally, which may explain part of why I was so torn up about him leaving. He kept telling me we'd see each other again, frequently perhaps, and that I was being silly, but there are realizations coming to mind that he is unaware of. I have realized, now that I am quite alone in Sydney, that I have ignored and cut off most of my friends. I have had some great, amazing friends over the years, but being a Naval son means you quickly have to abandon friendships and form new ones when you move to a new city. Every two years, I was starting at a new school, promising to keep in touch with my old friends, and then forming new friendships to replace the old ones. I am by no means blaming anyone or even saying this is out of my control and vindicates me somehow, but it is ALL I have ever known when it comes to friendships. I had so many close, beautiful friends in Melbourne, and when I left to move to Sydney, I knew deep down that it was kind of not going to continue with them. But Scott was up here with me. And now that he's going away, I feel like my last tie to who I have been for the last 9 years (my time in Melbourne) is fading away.
As much as I want to bash myself upside the head and have a 'Blue Week' and eat my problems away, I have to be realistic. I have achieved some phenomenal things in the past few years. With the help of some very important people, one in particular, I managed to fight depression and severe anxiety. No more panic attacks and some serious work on my self-esteem. I have paid off half of my entire debt within one year. That's reason enough to jump up and down. And, if I get my way with Citibank, I will have the remainder paid off in the next 6 months. I have also defined certain personality traits that I want to carry and display each and every day. These are personal, and quite private, but some of the work I have done has proven to myself that I am capable of great changes. I quit smoking. A two-pack-a-day habit that has drained my bank account for the past 7 years is now gone. So as 27 approaches, although I don't know where I am heading, maybe I have a clearer idea of where I've come from. A shaky path I once stumbled upon has now been paved into something solid - a firm base for progress. I don't know where that path is heading yet, but all I have to do is keep walking. Don't float. Don't get stuck again. Just keep walking. Let the world surprise you.
So that's my rant for tonight. I promise I will work ten times as hard to bring some brevity in my next post. Thank you for reading, thank you for engaging.
Keep walking, freaks!
Peace Out,
Cam. :)
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